Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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