I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
im on a boat
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