I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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