It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize