2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
