i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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