Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
