I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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