even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
