I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize