I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
