3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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