you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Randomize
