I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
