I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
