He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
