I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
