I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
