My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
