I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
