Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
