I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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