I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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