I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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