Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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