i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
