I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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