Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
