my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
