i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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