cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
