im about as happy as oj after his trial
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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