the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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