I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
