I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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