Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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