I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
