I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
