Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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