I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
