I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
