Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have aggressive nipples.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize