thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
