That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
