so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
