Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Never let your siblings swipe right.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
