you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
