I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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