I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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