Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize