genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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