I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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