When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
