I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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