So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
