only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
