I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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