Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Farmville is her only friend.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I supernannyed him into submission
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
