Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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