my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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