Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
