Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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