Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
