Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
