My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
