Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
