Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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