Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
