so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
