tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
