Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
bring money and cleavage
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
