woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
