i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize